That moment when your friends won’t tell you something.
My heart feels like its drowning. So hard to breathe that im practicly gasping for air, like being stuck in a falling elevator, you have know idea. I can physically and mentally imagine what it feels like to have a knife in your chest. Dont pull it out, leave it there. Its nothing like you yourself would imagine it to be, and it doesnt hurt as bad as you think until you start pulling on the jagged edged knife to rip it out. I can physically imagine exacty what it feels like to try to remove the knife up until its cemi ripped out, im glad I cant feel the whole thing, ive felt enough, like I said, just leave it there, itll just feel like a sting that will take your breath away for good, you cant even cry, your eyes may build up with tears, but youll fall to the ground befor your tears do, I cant help the flashbacks of making myself feel physical pain that hasnt even happened to me, silly? Yes I know, but fuck what you say because this is how I feel not you, I lied there gasping on air like there was a knife in my chest, but you cant just say its all in my head, because there could have been something that caused this youll never know, in my case, I get it, im a monster. All the sweet, innocent, hardworking, trustworthy little kids change and turn into the worst somehow, and im just one out of many, and ive been told 50,000 times this week about how much of a terrible person I am eventhough I dont even know what I did. It hit me, it hit me harder than when I was getting beat black, purple, and blue, but now I feel like the biggest asshole on the plannet still not knowing what I did, am I really that bad of a person? I remember giving up everything ive ever had just for the happyness of other people and never think of myself, what about now? Now I have nothing left to give with empty hands and all of a sudden im a monster? Whatever, I guess I get what I deserve..
Youd think by now she’d be Ok, but wheres her hero to save her day? Talkin on the phone without shit to say, yet he tells her theres gotta be another way n she feels like its just an excuse, takin what ever drugs she has to mis-use, but 2 could play at that game too, exactly how 1 turns into a few, shes still bound hopeless, knowing he aint gonna be around much longer so what is she gonna do now? Shes too gone to figure this shit out, just crawling on her knees cause to walk she dont know how, but dont blame her its not her fault, look at what her parents did to her, lied to, used, abandoned and abused, a homeless wreck, betrayed and confused she needs something, to be held, to be loved, to be cared about, or even trusted, she has it in her head she wants to die and its the silly fools who dont care why, but shes not playin around, shit like this needs help befor she falls to the ground, the second its announced that shes passed away she wasnt being selfish one bit. It was everyone else who was in her way, whats that? Ooh your guilty now you say? Remember what u said about her the other day? Thinkin she would know about that but she knew, and part of the reason why she died is because of you. you still think shes selfish that she made you feel guilty? Good. think about that next time, imstead if talkin shit tell her she’ll make it through just fine its all she needs, a sighn someone cares, and to know theyll be there
When reality smacks u like a bitch
Just now opening my eyes to see,
Kinda hard to see when your blind, my lifes at a chrisest do whats best for me, cant be so harsh all the fuckin time, what happened to me? Did I just fall down a well? Obviously im to lazy to dig my own hole even after everything ive ever stood for, I have no pride, I have no pity, bottle it all up inside, do what you will u must feel pretty shitty, my chances are fifty fifty, no love at all in this hell hole city, smack some sence into this hypnotized wench, only to find herself alone on the bench, thinkin to herself, why am I still alive? Did u even truly want to die? Find the truth of how she really feels inside we all know shes about to cry, but why? they think she just wants attension but no. she truly wants someone to love her and help her. Is that so hard to ask? I guess so, so fuck you and your hurtful jokes, its not as funny when not everbodys laughing, ooh no go ahead, mock the girl with her head in sorrow, she cant even see herself living tomarrow, so poor she cant afford drugs, yet she still continues to spread the love but still gets nothing but hatred in return, so fuck it. Fuck you, fuck u all fuck everything and everybody fuck the world and its pity fuck reality and its caos smacking me upside the head like im the only bitch in this world so what if im not like everyone else doesnt make me any less human, try opening your eyes too because youll never be as blind as me regaurdless.
Shaking, Twitching, tossing, turning, rocking back and forth while starring at walls why does it appear im the Only one bound to fall? screaming inside and out for help, brushing the dust away from my books on the shelf, in fear writing a letter, in my mind its mythical, reality’s gone, drowning in thoughts, in flashes of seeing my past, i dont know how im going to last, trying to write love on my arms but i only see 1 of 2 options, reach for the hand or the rope, its not that easy when your completely out of hope, doesn’t help when nobodys there, im loosing my home again, but thats Ok, im too far gone in my mind to see that clearly, maybe i will when im sitting on the side of the street, in the blistering heat, my one and only pair of shoes on my feet, showering in restaurant bathrooms, wishing i could go back home soon but i cant, home is gone, never had one, its been like that all along, but thats Ok too, because nobody understands, that’s why im choosing the rope over the hand, there’s no hand to grab i just imagined there was, nobody even cared to listen or help, they only thought what mattered was themself, but no, dont listen to me, you think im crazy, cause if it never mattered before then why should it matter now? thinking of saving this life somehow, racing thoughts of being buried in the ground, or never waking up, life is tough, especially for the ones who never been loved, someone like me. regardless of who you are, youll always somebody’s shining star, think about that when im looking down on the ones who helped me go far, but now theirs nowhere to go, im stuck and cant turn back i already screamed for help but nobody knows where im at.
Why can i look you in the eyes and still feel nothing but complete hatred and betrayal yet my heart will feel like its racing 1000 miles an hour? is it really hate after all?